• New York Jewish Healing Center
• National Center for Jewish Healing
• Rabbi Isaac N. Trainin Bikur Cholim Coordinating Council
• The Shira Ruskay Center: Providing Comfort and Support for the Seriously Ill
• JACS (Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons and Significant Others)
• Community Care and Support Programs
• Support Programs for Single-Parents and the Recently Divorced
• UJA-Federation of NY’s Connect to Care

• About Jewish Connections
• Publications and Articles
• Spirituality Notes
• Resources for Jewish Organizations and Congregations
• Events Calendar
• Home

May 2008

By Rabbi Simkha Y. Weintraub, LCSW

Seven Ways of Asking

The below is an excerpt from the National Center for Jewish Healing publication, The Outstretched Arm: Caretaking. For copies of the publication, email us at or

While the below outlines questions for connecting with someone who is ill, similar sensitivity should be used when reaching out to people who are dealing with loss as well.

Seven Ways of Asking
When we reach out to help someone who is ill, we often forget that there may be a loved one in the role of caregiver, who is equally in need of support and/or concrete help. But simply asking "How are you?" may not convey authentic, personal interest and may not open up an honest, expressive response. Some people who are suffering have criticized this common question because it doesn't seem to acknowledge the very different course their life has taken, and seems to come 'attached' to automatic, expected answers such as "I'm okay" or "Fine, thanks," which may not be a sincere reply, or may not be the whole story.

So here are seven alternative ways of asking.

1. How are you doing with all of this?
2. How are your spirits?
3. How are you hanging in?
4. What do you need the most, right now?
5. What's helping you get through this?
6. What's been on your mind as you try to cope with all of this?
7. What are some of the obstacles to your managing/coping?

These "Spirituality Notes" are excerpts from our monthly E-newsletter. Articles are © JBFCS Rita J. Kaplan Jewish Connections Programs and may be reprinted free of charge as long as this credit line is included.

©2010 Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services
135 West 50th Street, 6th Floor · New York, NY 10020
Phone: (212) 632-4500 · Fax: (212) 399-2475 ·